Toby

There's a black crow sitting across from me.

2009-09-24T23:58:00.002+01:00

I wish I could sleep.

And I told you to be pacient and I told you to be fine.

2008-10-03T19:12:00.003+01:00

I'm down and out in Paris and London, only I'm in neither London nor Paris, but none the less I'm very nearly down and out.

My main problem seems to be my total lack of being able to gain employment, since may I have roughly, without exageration I'd estimate applied for around thirty jobs, and about ten in the last two weeks, these have resulted in four interviews, one of which has been successful. This was for work which lasted 4 days, and paid 4.80 an hour and resulted in me working around 50 hours for enough money to pay one months rent. Then there was the job where I got told that I was going to be too qulified for the position for answering phones, I assured them I wasn't. They said they'd ring back the next day, they did not. Then there was Ted Baker, an hour of being HINRG and buzzing and cool, trying to out posture the next in line resulted in a call back the next day, saying I wasn't what they were looking for, the girl was laughing, she was enjoying a joke that I wasn't exactly part of at the time. In the middle of this summer I ran so low on money I had to accept 100 pounds off my land lord for two weeks of work painting and grouting till I literally bled, and cried my way through cleaning up my rented home. I was bailed out by my parents to the tune of one thousand pounds which I desperately want to pay back, but have no means to. Lately this week I went to an interview which lasted all of thirty seconds, at home, deflated I was locked out of my room really all I wanted to do was play some music loudly, but couldn't so by the time Em came home and opened the door I burst into tears at her. I've also had a very bad cold for the last two weeks. Today I got my loan through till january.

I have £1,140
My rent £780
Travel £99
Phone £45
House Bills £40

Equals £176

The term is 11 weeks leaving me with 16 pounds a week to have food, and general up keep of my soul. Oh and I've got a cat now.

I'm not quite pawning my clothes yet, but yeah, I just needed it down in writing so I could see how little I had, so make myself behave.

I'm trying to get a grant and some money hand outs from my uni.

I'll keep you updated

Love as always

Down and out.

There's money lenders inside the temple

2008-08-24T20:56:00.003+01:00

That circus tiger's gonna break your heart.

Listen

(I.e click that shit)

I'm happy it's the start of holiday season and I'm all bubbly inside. Got a second hand ben sherman shirt, I am England.

Hello

2008-08-09T17:21:00.001+01:00

I feel very bad about myself sometimes. In the same way I really like myself sometimes. I think it’s because I get so hung up on the way people are around me, I seem to become almost intravenously attached to emotion.

I’ve come out of a relationship which for me had become abusive, for both of us I think. I’d lost count the amounts of times I’d cried before sleeping, turning over on my side with the hot eyes and aching under my ribs hoping that a wall covered in photographs of me smiling would somehow make everything go back to normal by the time I woke up in the morning, only to find that it didn’t.

I had truly some of the greatest times with Nathalie, it’s taken this long for stings to fade but I did. But at the same time you can’t be happy with someone that can hurt you that much. She did hurt me, regularly which left me feeling utterly lost and confused, knowing that my heart said yes, but also knowing that it shouldn’t be this painful.

It sounds cliché to say I’m crying while writing this, but it’s the truth. Ludovico Einaudi cuts into me every time. Because I’m a sap. But it’s okay, I’m okay. I’m happy all the time now, there’s a little light inside of me which was almost put out but is being nurtured. It flickers every so often, I guess this is one of those times but that’s coming home I think with everything stirring up.

I’m happy.

I think that's all I need to say.

http://www.myspace.com/ludovicoeinaudi

Listen to the first song or so, he's amazing.

Loves

Looking forward to being re-united with my big speakers...

2008-03-30T20:50:00.002+01:00

Just downloaded a morrissey double album of b-sides and raraties and I'm actually having heart palpatations as to how they'd sound on those beasts.

swoooon

I'm a terribly upset person.

2008-03-13T13:29:00.002Z

I've never quite cried as much as I did last night, it was like I couldn't control it my lungs were just shaking and my jaw was locking. I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm so worried and scared about what she's going to do to herself. And now random play threw this at me and I did it again. I need to get really drunk and really numb.

A time of confession.

2008-03-08T22:26:00.002Z

Tonight I’m going to tell you about a school girl crush I’ve had for the last two years. I’m not proud of it, and it’s embarrassing. But I realised that I was lying to myself and that the truth would eventually have to come out, so here goes. I’m in love with Brandon Reilly.

"When you look into his eyes, it's like the first time I heard The Beatles." (I am a song, click me)

I don't really know what I'm doing.

2008-03-06T21:04:00.002Z

At a loss as to what to do with my evening, tried the pub but that only lasted 45 minutes. It seems I'm all concentrated out. Watching tennenbaums and eating peanuts and malteasters, they'll be gone by the morning. Possible calory intake for the day 34000. I'm not eating tomorrow. I might just sleep in.

Another bit of Scott Matthews

2008-03-04T16:17:00.001Z

I don't think he's very cool. He's probably like James Blunt or something, but he's from Wolves, and I think he's pretty sweet.

I'm probably more happy than I should be.

I think I'm famous in Germany.

2008-03-03T16:19:00.002Z

Fresh from the revelation of meeting another human Toby on friday night, apparently this German girl loves me so much she's written a song.

Amazing.

I'm struggling to find a translation, but I think it's mostly good?

Bubble pop haikus.

2008-02-29T10:31:00.002Z

"I know I look shiny and bouncey but I'm all empty inside."

The reason why I love Boy Least Likely To. He's talking about a balloon....but he's not really is he? It's so adorable. A haiku.

Boy least likely to.
I love them more than short bread.
I think you should too.

You can pin and mount me like a butterfly.

2008-02-28T00:00:00.003Z

The rain falls hard on a humdrum Town, this town will drag you down. So yes, here I am I’m unable to communicate did you know? A mess of form and person. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and even if I did I wouldn’t know where I want it to go, which apparently you do. I still feel like a kid sometimes and then sometimes I just wish I could grow up, man up and be old with a house and kids and all that sorted out for me without me having to do all the messy trying parts. I sometimes think that it’s the only way I could head, the family route and the kids with the nice names and the not so nice but it’ll do school. And sometimes I think I’ll get to the point where I’ll lose it all and consider myself a fool.

If only that was in my own control but I doubt it is, this’ll end and I won’t really have a say. I’ll be Mr Rochester, I’ll be the one crying. Hopefully I won’t end up a blind cripple. I wish to change myself externally. However I worry that what I am is now so dependent on how I look whether if I change the way I look I’ll change the way I am, I’ve been like this for so long. I’ve been long haired and owned the same coat since I were 17. I’d like to cut my hair short again. And maybe do away with the lip ring. Or something. And probably be thin and cool. I’d quite like to be Jarvis Cocker. But less living in France, I can’t get my moniker round the lingo.

I’m living within a song, it’s predictably Reel around the Fountain. Look at the lyrics if you can be honest, I sometimes feel like he does although interestingly enough that song at the time got accused as condoning child abuse, when someone read “you took a child and you made him old” very literally. Probably the Daily Mail. I just think it’s one of the wittiest songs ever. “People said you were easily lead and they were half right” it’s just clever, and the piano mid section by Marr on The Smiths – The Smiths version is just beautiful, I wish I could work a piano box, if I ever learnt I’d learn that.

I have so many essays to write, and all of them to do research for, which I’m going to start this weekend. I’m sad because it’s meaning I can’t go anywhere or travel to go to go see Nathalie and try to stop her being sad at me, and by not going it makes her even more sad at me, leaving me with no idea what to do with myself, it’s a wonderful lose/lose. Stay and do work which is so hard it makes me have little strokes, or go see nat and not really work, stop her from working and exacerbate the whole situation further. I don’t know if I’m much fun to be around at the moment.

Here's me looking 16 and youthful, and wellllllll emo by todays' standards, love it.

Seriously, I peeked at 16, how depressing.

I am a balloon.

2008-02-27T17:49:00.002Z

Download loveliness. Plus sadness. Must dash!

Rah

2008-02-26T22:13:00.004Z

I heard a cover of The Boy With the Thorn in His Side on t'Hollyoaks last night and had an incling it was Scott Matthews, and it twas. I hate Smiths covers, Ronson's re-imagining of Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard This One Before made me ill.

But this is rather ok.

Plus he's from Wolverhampton which means at some point I've probably stepped on his foot whilst drunk at the civic.

Some sort of scary/hilarious fan video of Jean Paul and Craig....creepy.

And the lengends that be, I was convinced for a good year I was the boy with the thorn in his side, now I kinda think I'm either this charming man, in a less than cocky way or there is a light that never goes out, but realisitcally I'm Reel Around the Fountain, yes, that's probably more accurate, I'm Reel Around The Fountain?

The great uni adventure is back on!

2008-02-21T13:21:00.001Z

I've passed language! BOO YEAH.

New shoes

2008-02-20T16:45:00.002Z

They hath made me regress musically, thus

One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit
Into my head I still remember every single word
You said and all the shit that somehow came along with it
Still theres one thing that comforts me since I was
Always caged and now I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghh

X LOUD

I can has new trainers!

2008-02-20T16:25:00.001Z

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

There's an ICHCB for every single moment of your life....

2008-02-15T10:42:00.002Z

par example

You remind me of the babe

2008-02-13T22:19:00.002Z

Alright ladies,

Hello and all that, how are you? It’s been a fair long while, though that’s understandable and all. I’ve been undergoing some major work on the old leg. But I’m happy to announce that it’s all fine and dandy and is getting better by the day. Today for instance I walked round uni all day without my helping metal stick. Which is fairly impressive, due to the fact that it’s a 10-9 day. Albeit with a 5 hour gap in the middle. But still quite asking, my knee pulled through, dam right.

Hm, tell you what, I’m well up for getting drunk. Not disorderly. Just drunk. With the dancing and the hands in the air, dancing a bit like a cross between Morrissey and Marr swaying like Robert Smith and smiling like Bowie from Labyrinth. Which for the record is fantastic, download Magic Dance. Strewth, it’s no Starman, but it’s better than that shite he did with Mick Jagger. Worth it alone for seeing his hair in action and for that matter, his groin. It’s got a prominent role.

So yeah, up for snobs, it’s a veritable wonderment of a place, cheap as chips and next door to a chippie. Curry and chips is my tip to head off the hang-over. I’ve never been sick at uni, I was very close after Shaun’s birthday and a bottle of southern comfort and a cigarette of a guy called Dan(?) (You might need to verify that) which to be fair had a burnt electrical wire quality. That evening apparently ended with me Lecturing Emma on the virtues of The Smiths and her nearly losing a finger in a door. Sorriest all round.

You know what, I’m nearly up to being 6 months off the pace of the youth of today, Bloc Party – Flux is well good, I’ve always liked Bloc Party doing either soft gay love songs or balls out rock, but turns out they can display their balls whilst turning out dance music too, I bet the Klaxons are gathering their flouresant clothing vouchers from Topman and convincing each other they “had a good run”. Bloc Party were ace the moment I saw them on the NME tour 2005. World famous that tour, Kaiser Chiefs/Futureheads/Bloc Party/The Killers all for £14. That’s a festival day pass now. That plus the singer bloke said hello to me.

This week I shall be going up to the town of Wolverhampton with hopefully as many friends as I can muster and paint the town a pale red. I might even wear something nice. Off to see Nouvelle Vague who are classy covers, pretty sexy covers. A female vocal based band I like, heaven forefend. And then dancing (most likely with one leg more than the other) with my Nathalie, having our second Valentines together, unfortunately not on the real day but pretty darn close.

So yeah, helloooooooooooo life with a new leg.

Looking on the student accomodation forums,

2008-01-25T13:43:00.000Z

Searching for people with spare rooms is terrifying. They all sound like they're enticing people in for slaughter.

"Nice house, fellow students, waiting for you to arrive"

I'm sorry that's probably quite innocent, but it fills my mind with them preparing their knives and heating up their ovens.

Perhaps Sweeny Todd has effected me.

Trying something different.

2008-01-25T00:17:00.000Z

I slipped into my simple bed and set down my weary head and oh what wonders of sleep I thought; “oh what wonders surely must wait upon the receiving of my temple to the feathered vestry”. However, moreover, I was greeted less by the welcoming passage of drowsy half sleep (the kind which slowly envelops your mind like a passing tide or an ebbing estuary) rather I was held present as if still needed by my mind to perform some task for it, that my time of work had not yet passed for it and subsequently I was to be held back by it until I had completed my task. My task was seemingly not forthcoming, so battling my thoughts and mind I endeavoured to plunge myself into sleep trying ever more with every breath, sucking in air deeply as if preparing to dive deep down below in an attempt to chart some forgotten plain, as I have not slept deeply or longer than a few hours for some time now and it’s wearing away at me piece by piece. The thoughts dancing around me, casting eerie shadows on the walls of my mind as if a central fire blazed within was that of the future and my place in it which contorts and conspires against my mind being at rest for the evening. A place of one’s own. A novel by Virginia Wolf. Many say she was schizophrenic or at least not very normal when it came to matters of the mind, set out lengthways rather than on a promenade; heaven was touching and hell worth defying. And it is a place of one’s own which consumes thoughts I believed to not have to be considered so hastily nor so abhorrently or with such rapidity. Slow decision making has cost one place of one’s own, and another level of indecision entirely out of my own hands has scorched the earth next offered. Fruitlessly grasping towards ideas and combinations of elements with none producing a forthright conclusion satisfactory for either sector of my mind to comprehend and be pleased with. So there I lay staring at the inside of my eyes in the realisation that I had been a fool, a preposterous fool. And with no real chance of recompense I lie here still. Good night, I shall think for a good deal longer.

I'm a bit sad.

2008-01-24T10:56:00.000Z

Everything has gone balls.

Listened to this at least 7 times this morning.

Not healthy.

Never mind.

Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.

2008-01-20T18:25:00.001Z

Every now and again we need the eighties and we need them now.

Toto - Africa

Better.

Oranges are not the only fruit.

2008-01-16T11:06:00.000Z

Being in hospital was a strange experience. For one I spent most of my time there asleep, sleepy or trying to get to sleep. When I arrived there at a quarter to seven in the morning I was rather sleepy indeed. As it was such an ungodly hour I can only assume they had their reserve staff in. As I was checked in my a receptionist who’s Jamaican accent was so strong it sounded like Lenny Henry when he does a pretend Jamaican accent. So tired, and un alert I was treated to “douche ha aii vhaaaluubals?” To which I replied “ten past seven”. Not really, but still quite confusing. Then I was met by my Japanese surgeon (more on him later) and got drawn on. When I say drawn on, I literally mean I had an arrow drawn on my leg, pointing to my knee. This was to make sure they got the right leg when they came to cutting me open. Although it must be said that on waking up I saw that my left leg had been shaved the same way that my right, leading me to believe that they did start to do the wrong leg till they saw the massive arrow... Then after that little bit of a calf art attack I got taken down to the aesthetic room, where I was met by a French Anaesthesiologist who talked to me about Arsenal and how much better they were than Wolves, which I couldn’t argue much against because he’d just injected me with something that I can only really describe as being medical poppers which was whizzing around my head to the point where I could feel my brain beating in my head. Next my Japanese surgeon came to see me again. I think it’s worth mentioning at this point that for a while leading up to this operation I was semi convinced the aesthetic was going to kill me. So at this point, linked up to a heart monitor my pulse was going all over the place. My little Japanese surgeon held my hand and told me everything was going to be okay, far from thinking that it was a bit gay, I’m sure that if there is a heaven he’s going straight there.

I woke up in the resuscitation room, which is apparently rare. Most people choose to wake up in the ward you see, but I was obviously impatient to discover if I’d died or not. Which I hadn’t. Which was a plus. So I get taken to the ward and dumped on the bed and fall asleep. For a good few hours, parents came and went and I could just about remember their visit. The worst part of hospital on the first day was not being able to move. By that I don’t mean not being able to get out of bed I mean to physically not be able to move my leg, it’s still much the same. It takes a lot of concentration matched with considerable pain and then I move roughly an inch and end up tired and a bit ill. I shared my ward with some wonderfully kind people. There was Donald who’d just lost his second testicle to cancer who came over to talk to me a few times, and who gave me some biscuits when he left. There was Ian who’d broken his cheek 4 weeks before he was supposed to be married, who had the most spectacular bruises around his nose, eyes and cheek who gave me sweets and bought me a newspaper. I was seemingly adopted by those around me, I was the youngest by at least ten and at the most fifty five years and because I couldn’t move an inch I was called the quiet one. Plus I spent most of my time when I was awake reading Bill Bryson, which I’d taken the cover from so it looked similar to a big black bible. I’m sure they thought me some sort of monk on a vow of silence.

On the second day I was woken up at six, and asked what I wanted for breakfast, I went for bran flakes. I hadn’t slept in the night. Strangely, having slept most of the day I found sleep escaped me at night. I firstly woken at two in the early hours to have a new IV line placed in my wrist and for two loads of anti-biotic to be pumped into me. The other people on the ward conspired against me with their snoring tag team effort, once on stopped the other started. One even managed to snore face down and because he was face down it was sort of amplified beyond belief. As I could only sleep on my back I could only hope that I gave as good as I got when I snatched some sleep. Around ten the physiotherapist came to see me. Well, I personally believe she was a witch in disguise. My leg was still numb, I couldn’t feel anything going on with it but I still had a drain in it. A drain is basically a needle sitting in my knee cap attached to a vacuum sealed bottle which sucked out any blood or excess cack. So this physiotherapist bitch grabbed my leg and made me bend it, I said to her, nah I don’t think I can do this, to which she ignored me and continued to force it upwards, blood was streaming into the drain pain was pulsing up and down my leg and I fainted. Then came round. Then was sick. I got a different physiotherapist in the afternoon. I took my rehabilitation from that point into my own hands, I thought that I knew my body better than most so I set about trying to pass the criteria I needed to be able to go home. I needed to be able to bend my knee, life my leg clean off the bed and walk with crutches. After I had my drain taken out and was once again doped up with pain killers I set about it, encouraged by my nurses and David Morgan, a lovely old gentleman who’d had an ankle operation I made very slow very painful first steps towards movement. By the afternoon they told me I could come home and I was overjoyed. Ever since then I’ve been trying to continue my exercises but they’re rather hard and I’m still rather swollen which doesn’t make bending very easy.

So yes, here I am. Alive and well, that was my hospital adventure.

Been busy living life...

2008-01-09T11:56:00.001Z

Happy New Year!

Mes knee operation!

2008-01-02T10:56:00.000Z

It's in less than two weeks! I hope I don't die from the general anesthetic.

Guitar Hero.

2007-12-30T20:07:00.001Z

It's epic.

Goodbye degree, hellooooooooo sore fingers.

Oh my gollorz

2007-12-25T14:57:00.000Z

I know I said I wouldn't post on Christmas...but...

I has an Optimus Prime T Shirt!

OH MY GODS I <3 IT!

Alternate Advent - IT'S CHRISTMAS!

2007-12-24T19:38:00.000Z

Or at least it shall be very soon, I'm not posting on Christmas itself, I'm not that much of a sadcase.

Of course, there can only be one Christmas song for anyone from the Midlands, and that's Slade. They're boys from the black country and we love em' Noddy is from Wolvo, and we're more proud of him than Robert Plant. Seriously. This song isn't classy, it isn't compelling. It's not about the subtlty of emotion it's about getting up and dancing in your living room and spending time with the people you love. Which I hope you're all doing.

It's Christmas, I 'ope yaw 'av a gudun ar kidda.

Alternate Advent Day 24

2007-12-24T10:04:00.000Z

Christmas Eve song, and therefore runner up to the greatest Christmas song ever is......

The Pogues - Fairytale Of New York

A million people just got sad as it's the populous opinion that it's the best Christmas tune ever, but not for me chief.

The winner shalt be shown tomorrow!

It's so exciting!

!!!

Alternate Advent Day 23

2007-12-23T12:22:00.000Z

Mike Oldfield - In Dulci Jubilo

Makes me feel like I felt about Christmas when I was 6, jumping around the lounge unable to sleep at night full on excitement.

Two days left...there are only two contenders left for the Christmas Day alternate Advent title...

London Baby!

2007-12-22T12:25:00.000Z

We went to go see Patrick Wolf, he was wonderous. We saw wonderous museums and I took pictures, here they be.

Alternate Advent Days 20, 21 and 22.

2007-12-22T11:22:00.000Z

I've been in London seeing Patrick Wolf, forgive the gap in days.

Day 20 - The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)

It's naughty, it's probably the only decent christmas song of recent memory.

Day 21 - Jona Lewie - Stop the Cavalry

Utterly awesome, if depressing when you listen to the words. Just go "dudda dudda dom dom dudda dudda dom dudda dom dom dudda dom dudda dudda dom" instead yeah?

Day 22 - Wizzard - I Wish it Could Be Christmas Everyday

Just a proper christmas song, the kind you can pogo to. Wonderous.

It's nearly christmas innnnnnat?

Alternate Advent Day 19

2007-12-19T10:38:00.000Z

Shakin' Stevens - Merry Christmas Everyone

Huzzah, it's a proper dancer, bop bop it's less than a week till Christmas!

Alternate Advent Days 17 and 18

2007-12-18T19:14:00.000Z

Excuse my absence, much needed catching up.

Day 17 - Patrick Wolf - Teignmouth

Well this has been picked slightly because I'm going to see him on Thursday in London, slightly because my family comes from Teignmouth (I've never been but imagine this is what it's like) and slightly because it's beautiful, as of "so when the birds fly south, I reach up and hold their tails" it lifts you up totally.

And secondly....drum roll...the start of the christmas songs! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'll start off with Lennon, cause apparently, War is over if you want it...flawed arguement, but nice all the same.

Alternate Advent Day 16

2007-12-16T11:42:00.000Z

Anthony And The Johnsons - Hope There's Someone

He's just lovel, and just has a wonderful voice.

Alternate Advent Day 15

2007-12-15T10:05:00.000Z

The Rolling Stones were like a sexy Beatles.

Nice songs though.

Alternate Advent Day 14

2007-12-14T13:39:00.001Z

Impossible for anything to get you down, even men in suits shaking their money jar.

Dance like you're smiling.

If anyone's got £600 pounds going spare...

2007-12-13T11:28:00.000Z

I'd quite like a Tenori-on for Christmas.

Alernate Advent Day 13

2007-12-13T00:37:00.000Z

Morrissey - Now My Heart Is Full

My love of the man is well documented.

Where flowers grew and the sun shone still.

2007-12-12T19:59:00.000Z

So I’m coming to the end of my first term of University and I’ll be going home tomorrow for a few weeks, or maybe a few weeks and a bit depending on when my knee operation comes through and all that so yes, let’s do a retrospective of the last four months.

Firstly, it feels a lot longer than four months; it feels like I’ve been doing this all along. By that I mean living alone and looking after myself, cooking, cleaning and buying my own things for my own needs. It’s quite a freeing experience. I had an element of freedom when I had my job last year, money will always do that, it opens up all sorts of doors. But I’d always come home and my dinner would always be on the table for me and my bed would usually be made. I became lazy and self satisfied with the situation.

When I moved to university in September I was cripplingly home sick, I missed everything about home so much it made me all weepy and things out of my eyes for the first few nights. I think it didn’t help that the week before I’d just come back off holiday with Nathalie, so I’d moved to new place, essentially left home and left Nathalie all in one go. For the entirety of Fresher’s week I walked around in a drunken haze because that was easier than letting my mind rest on anything, I went to everything offered and did anything I could so as not to be on my own in my little room with no internet or television.

Some things improved my situation greatly. Firstly I put up my wall collage of posters and things, made it feel less like I were in prison, secondly I got the internet and then a tv, so interaction with the outside world was found. And I also set about making friends, or at least acquaintances. I get on with my flat mates and that’s a start, through shared love of anything remotely to do with Football with Jo and Oli to the point where we’ve gone to the pub solely to watch the Cardiff Vs Coventry game. But I think I’ve made one proper friend so far, which is amazing for me. Met through wonderfully silly circumstances of queuing to get into the Fresher’s Karaoke night with my flat mates, they all deciding they didn’t want to go anymore, me joining them and only getting 50 foot before realising...hmm lets widen my friends options. Even then it took the kindly group of people in the queue next to me to make conversation. I find this skill inherently difficult with people I don’t adformentionally know, I don’t know what to say, worried that what I will say will make me either sound stupid or pretentious. Cause well...the things I like aren’t in the normal channels...I like other things, but not as much as I like my little niche bands and films, so whenever I talk about other things I just sound un-interested and bored, so people think...hmm weirdo. But if I were to talk about the things I like the high percentage of people would then think...hmm bit up himself. Luckily I found someone who understood who the Decemberists were and even liked them more than me, a striking situation to be in ten minutes into a conversation.

So yes, and from then a friendship was born, I don’t count friendships lightly, unlike some, not everyone you meet on the way to the shops can be counted as a friend in my book, and I’m totally amazed I’ve managed to gain one in the first term of university, and with any luck we should all be living together next year, long as there’s room, if not I’ll weep.

And then we have my course, which has been patchy if I’m being honest so far, but will indefinably pick up come January. Currently I’m stuck doing little ‘tasters’ of all the wonderful things English has to offer, only I don’t care, I want to do English Literature, so as of January that’s what I’ll be doing, no more Language, Drama and Cultures of the Everyday for me, oh no oh my no oh no. Seeing as the last one was practically social studies. Über weak. But hurrah, soon I shall be running around the pages of great Victorian novels and post war fiction, I really can’t wait.

And that’s not without even mentioning Christmas, that’s the beauty of finishing so early, it’s practically Christmas as of this weekend, last year while working I remember it wasn’t Christmas till Christmas eve, and then it was over by the day after boxing day, this year I’m totally regressing and have less money for presents but are seemingly on course to be spending more than ever, but there we go, I’m silly and I love wrapping things up, and this year I seem to have a lot of things to be wrapping up, I’d make a great elf for father Christmas, no doubt no diggity.

Alright then kids, I’m happy, hopefully you’re happy and I’ll be seeing you soon. If you’re not happy and in a relationship watch love actually, if you’re not in a relationship don’t watch that you’ll want to end it all and cry into your pillow asking why you’re not as happy as those happy bastards in snowy London, a snowy London being an even more unlikely prospect than Hugh Grant really being Prime Minister. To you I’d suggest It’s A Wonderful Life, it’s long but it’s blooming great and a proper happy film...well it warms up to it anyway, like all the best happy films.

I’m currently listening to Nick Drake, it’s a shame he died completely unknown, he was wonderful.

Have a listen,

Nick Drake - Fly

Goodnight kisses.

Alternate Advent Day 12

2007-12-12T00:15:00.000Z

Arcade Fire -Rebellion (lies)

This song literally changed the way I thought about music, and even now it still lifts me. It's a glorious song,

Utterly beautiful.

Alternate Advent Day 11

2007-12-11T11:02:00.000Z

Well it's the eleventh day of advent, and as with the traditional form of advent this is where it's written in the bible, that there shall be "bestowed a mega mix to enlighten the soul". I'm not one to mess with God, so I'm going for a Maximo mega-mix, pretty much because it's too hard to narrow them down to one song.

OK, number one. Graffiti - It was the first song that got me into them, I remember seeing Maximo in the Academy 2 not knowing any songs but this and Apply Some Pressure and it still ranks of one of my favourite gigs ever (helps that The Blood Arm and Research supported). And hearing this song just makes me go mental. I take special pleasure in saying "THAT'S ENOUGH" in the best accent I can muster.

Second on the list would have to be Apply Some Pressure, purely for the hand signs possible during the dance, it's practically a work out. Push your hands out for apply, bring them back for lose. Plus it's just awesome, seriously, I could have a decent night out if I went to a club and they just played the 3 albums back to back.

And then of course, Our Velocity...it's the swirling guitars, it's the sing along nature, it's the "Speeeeeeeeeeed" it's the synth, it's the bridge, it's the everything. Wowtastic.

And Finally.... A Fortnight's Time. I love this song, because hearing it on the album it passed me by, but when you hear it live, like so many Maximo songs they just take off, and being in a crowd shouting "5 x 5 = 25" is amazing, and quite nerdy. It became out shout at Leeds festival, can't beat it.

Alternate Advent Day 10

2007-12-10T12:55:00.000Z

The Beatles - Let It Be

An utterly beautiful song, one that Lennon didn't really like but Paul did, so much so that he had to beg to get it included on the album, which eventually became called Let It Be also, Lennon made up for the song by having one about a prostitute right after, he thought it was too religious. Mother Mary and all that, but Paul's mother was a Mary and had only recently died. So Paul won, and it remains a beautiful song, Harrisson's guitar work in the mid section is gutsy and Paul's venture into the organ pays off, with Ringo displaying subtlety on the drums he's not always given credit for, his fills are fantastic. Lennon provides bass on a de-tuned 6 string, and is notably distant throughout the performance, with the ghostly specter of Yoko leering over his shoulder.

Alternate Advent Day 9

2007-12-09T22:53:00.000Z

It'll get played at my funeral, it's that simple. I could live in this song for a lifetime, which is a bit of a contradiction. Simply put, gorgeous.

Alternate Advent Days 7 & 8

2007-12-07T13:14:00.000Z

Well I shan't be here on saturday, so days 7 & 8 in a little group!

Firstly, Billy Ocean - Love Really Hurts Without You

Get your groove on.

And secondly, The Smiths - This Charming Man

This song and band really need no more words spoken about it by me!

Alternate Advent Day 6

2007-12-06T13:46:00.000Z

Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen In Love?

Cause it's just awesome.

Alternate Advent Day 5

2007-12-05T00:11:00.000Z

Avril Lavigne - Sk8er Boi!

She's constantly challenging the way we perceive music.

Also, Lavigne fact of the day - 'Girlfriend' was recorded in 7 different languages and has been number one in 17 different countries.

Amazing.

Alternate Advent Day 4!

2007-12-04T16:47:00.000Z

Nightmare of You - My Name Is Trouble

One of the best bands I've ever had the fortune to stalk across 4 different venues.

Musical Advent Calendar Day 3

2007-12-04T16:36:00.000Z

Ignore the fact that there haven't been a day one and two, for that reason I'll post three songs.

As I'm not eating chocolate, I'll provide a Christmas countdown with some songs which I adore, they'll gradually become christmassy I'm sure.

Song one.

The Beach Boys - God Only Knows

Simply lovely, and makes me feel nice even when I'm far away, I only got into it because of Love Actually (you wouldn't hear Pitchforkmedia say that) but I've since discovered that the rest of Pet Sounds is ace times.

Song Two

John Lennon - Jealous Guy

Because I am I guess. I'm stupidly jealous. And sometimes I have to listen to this to make myself be a normal rational person again.

Song Three

Regina Specktor - Samson

Because the first time it made me cry.

Trying to organise people my age to meet up

2007-12-04T10:12:00.000Z

In one place at one time it probably the most challenging thing I've done so far at university.

So basically we've got to perform a 15 minute long drama piece that non of us know our lines for, or have ever done a run through of. One of our people can't do today, another can't do tomorrow, so looks like we're doing our first real practice on Thursday the day before we're doing it for real?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

I have lost...

2007-12-03T13:12:00.000Z

Three stone in three months...well it'll be three months in 2 weeks time.

I don't think I've got AIDS.

But yeah, I've done what the surgeon asked, so I am special.

My secret is not eating food, and when you do eat food, eat salad or bananas?

Zooey Deschanel

2007-12-02T18:35:00.000Z

Just watching Elf, and she looks pretty, so I went on her fansite thingy and looked at the most recently added pictures and I'm sad because she's so so thin now.

Well depresssing.

I'm back at uni and home was amazing, I can't wait till christmas. Really. I'm just tired of waking up no where near Nathalie.

This Is England

2007-11-30T00:02:00.000Z

Shane Meadows’ film ‘This Is England’ is all about the shift in what it was to be a skin head in the eighties. Originally, I didn’t know this but skin heads came from the working class of Britain who worked, mainly the docks, with black guys, and they’d take them along to their clubs and play them their music and pretty soon the two cultures combined and intertwined. The ideals of the skinhead originated in unity and mutual respect, not in racism or violence. However, in ‘This Is England’ as Meadows shows the pressures of the early eighties start to distort these ideas. I know that the early eighties were hard for a lot of people. The Falkland’s war for one, cause tension much like the current Iraq situation does, a war streamed back into the living rooms of every home showing the death of many of our soldiers for which was a dispute of a lump off land just off Argentina. You had Margret Thatcher in power, seemingly on her last legs till a triumphant war campaign pulled her through the polls. The miner strikes, the 3 day weeks, the riots the poll tax the middle class divide gather pace and distance from the workers of the country. And like any country where there’s unrest, there are always people who take the opportunity to push their own distorted bigotry on those people who are down on their luck and looking for a way out of it all. My mum and dad were both made unemployed during the eighties, and to be honest I don’t think my dad ever recovered from it all. He used to design machines for agriculture things that would separate out different grades of vegetables that would be as big as warehouses, and he did that for twenty years with his dad, and then the 3 day weeks hit and the work wasn’t there anymore cause, people couldn’t afford to buy the machines. My mum lost her job, working at an advertising agency because they needed to cut back on staff, and well, my mum was a woman in the early eighties, she was dispensable. And then I came along, right when they really couldn’t handle having an extra child more. Zoe was being bullied for being a white girl in a predominately Asian school, which was resolved with (I swear this is true, despite sounding like something off the tv) well my dad drove onto the school playground, handbrake turned right in front of the group who were destroying my sister and slammed the guy onto his bonnet and promised that if he continued it was quite possible to be even more mental than he currently was being. To think if you did that now my dad would be in a maximum security category prison with rapists.

But yes, in short the eighties isn’t the image that’s always portrayed in film and television. You always seem to see people in shiny suits, carrying suitcase sized mobiles with slicked back hair. I think ‘This Is England’ shows a much more realistic idea of 80’s Britain. So the plot, a young boy who’s father has died in the Falklands finds solace and acceptance in a group of young skin head boys and girls. They go out, he feels accepted and begins to feel he has a place. The opening segment is interspersed with a blistering soundtrack and shockingly good cinematography, it makes the plane look idyllic. I think I was mostly impressed with this, he managed to make the everyday idiosyncrasies of life seem beautiful and have a grander feel to them, it hit home to me. I love the beauty of the fish and chip shot, the neon light. The underground walkway mosaics, the forgotten factories and brick walls. This tone doesn’t continue for long though as the calm is interrupted by the former gang leader, back from 3 years in prison and with a renewed passion for what’s right and what’s wrong. He’s decided that the immigrants influx into the country is the route of all the country’s problems and that he needs to “fight for it back”. He splits the group in two, half go, and half stay, unfortunately the young lad stays, seeing him as a sort of authoritive father figure almost. Moved by motivational talks by the National Front he soon collects a band of brothers, intent on cleansing his neighbourhood, which is quite shocking and thought provoking theatre. You notice the shots fade into grey as the story dwindles into this post fascism, and the previously peppy soundtrack moves into the deeply sensitive notes of Ludovico Einaudi. A modern day composer, and in my mind an utter genius, it was an extremely nice surprise to hear him, but his music sat extremely well with the story, bleak yet provocative, not content with you slipping away into the moment impassively like so many theatrical scores, it merely highlighted the ideas being put forward. The pre-curser to the ending of the film is extremely shocking, I was shocked, I didn’t see it coming and it was handled in a way that I was just silent afterwards. Combo (the old gang leader) invites Milky, a black gang member back to his, soon he moves onto questioning him, the questions turn into interrogation and soon overwhelmed by his answers and heavily drugged he brutally beats him to death in front of Shaun, before cowering over the body rocking and crying with him in his arms. The power that this scene can’t be palpitated, it’s immense, it’s an utter break down and violence like I’ve never seen on screen, even though you don’t see any of the blows. You see it from Milky’s perspective, and therefore is utterly harrowing as an experience to watch.

So yes, I’d recommend This Is England, it’s bloody ruddy good.

Snobs tonight.

2007-11-28T20:08:00.000Z

It's good and bad, good because it's the only place I know of, other than somewhere in Manchester (and even they aren't too egar) that plays more than one Smiths song a night...and...yeah I've forgotten the bad.

It's cold?

I Am The The Egg Man

2007-11-27T17:47:00.000Z

I Am The Egg Man, I Am The Walrus, Goo, Goo, Ga Joo!

Now, I love a good cat picture...

2007-11-26T15:28:00.000Z

But this is just so so so sweet, I've saved it to my hard drive.

I mean awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww?

I declareuth.

2007-11-26T12:52:00.000Z

That Mike Oldfield - In Dulci Jubilo makes me want to dance around my lounge on Christmas day like I were 6 or 7 again, not really understanding what was going on, but knowing that it was all we'd done in school for what seemed like forever and that everyone at home was happy and I was getting presents and the kitchen smelt amazing.

No matter how hard you try I don't think you can enjoy Christmas as innocently as a child.

This year I shall indeed try however!

oh my

2007-11-25T23:51:00.000Z

It would seem I've listened to enough Elliott Smith this week to be put on suicide watch.

But I promise you that half the time it's because I never remember to turn the computer off when I leave the home, I'm lucky if I remember my books half the time?

I'm not suicidal, yet wish to perhaps shave my head in front of the mirror one day, minus the wrist cutting.

I'm playing christmas songs to make me happy, cultures group presentation tomorrow, this I dread, however I'm sure I'll manage some way or another.

Sigh.

2007-11-25T17:44:00.000Z

Christmas really can't come fast enough, yet I still need to hand 3 essays in before we leave, and then another two the second week of jan and a drama exam, and hopefully have surgury on my knee inbetween all of that, go to london for the night, have christmas, see everyone, go to the imperial, most likely go up town for a seeing everyone night.

It's just all too much for mes petite head.

Also Nathalie has convinced me living slightly away from campus is good for the mind, so yes, I might be living the high life of inner city Birmingham next year. Which means I'll end up shopping even more than I already do.

Disaster.

I bought some superb christmas goodies.

I'd post pictures but I simply don't trust the security of this blog enough.

Hello, hello? It's me, Picasso.

2007-11-23T17:14:00.000Z

Fucking bastard shitting fucking fuck fuck fuck FUCK. I fucked my English Language assignment, 4 marks off a pass. The fucking bastard could have at least given me a pass so I could fuck off and spend my time doing sometime I came to university to do in the first place, rather than this stupid fucking system where you have to try everything to get a ‘flavour for it’. No. I don’t want to any more. I’ve had a taste, it’s bitter as fuck and I don’t like it. But yet I have to do it, because to carry on to the next year of my English LITERATURE course I have to have passed a drama, sociology and Language module. It’s fucking madness. If they want to make literature students have a taste of something they’ve not come to do why the hell are they marking you to the point where if you don’t pass the modules you don’t get to progress to the parts of the course you actually came to do. I’m irate, I’m utterly devastated. I got a mark equivalent to a first on my fiction hand in, and I fail Language. The idiots on the top floor will see this mark, um and ar and stroke their beards before finally announcing that ‘my yes, he does seem to be getting a first pass in his literature module, however when it comes to Lexis and Syntax language understanding he simply doesn’t cut the mustard, how can we allow him to carry onto his straight literature course’. Makes me want to spit and scream. However I can’t. So for this next assignment I must increase my score I think by 10 or 15 marks. I’m going to shut myself away, consult with the lecturer, ask him to recommend books, send him first, second and third drafts, get him to help me craft this into the best fuck off essay I’ve ever written it’ll probably bore the shit out of me, and out of anyone other than him who’s going to read it but woop-de-doo once it’s done I’m fucked off out of it, I’ll be with my heroes and my comrades talking morals and ethics and finding new ways to believe in things. The language kids can keep treading their tired old path. My course matter changes every time someone turns the page, that’s immensely powerful. You can’t explain that with convention.

In other news I’m going to dress up like a pirate and go to my Student Union for the first time since freshers, even though it’s only over the road. I’m lazy and it’s usually empty. I just don’t want to be on my own tonight, because I’ve already cried to my mum over the phone about this, and I’m listening to Elliott Smith and that’s just not constructive.

I’m going to go to Birmingham tomorrow to buy presents for Nathalie, and my mum who’s awkward enough to have her birthday a weekish before Christmas. And for anyone else I can think of. Apparently there’s a German market on, so if it’s not a million pounds there might be something nice there worth getting too.

I’m just looking forward to going home and having Christmas and seeing everyone again. I was fine before this happened, it’s just fucked it all. Fucking fucked it.

Sighs and weeps.

Cheer me and you with some O-Zone - Dragostea din tei

A fantastic song, which when translated makes very little sense.

"You want to leave but you don't want don't want to take me,
Don't want don't want to take me,
Don't want don't want, don't want to take me.
Your face and the love from the linden trees,
And I remember your eyes."

Well why yes of course? I understand you Romania, ten four! The lyrics don't matter, get drunk or happy in which ever you chose. I'm going for chips. Shout the lyrics, numa numa yay, and you're in and around the right ball park.

Goodnight

x

Wes Anderson

2007-11-22T21:30:00.000Z

Genius - The common garden online dictionary states that a genius is "1.an exceptional natural capacity of intellect, especially as shown in creative and original work". Well yes, that's just about right I'd say.

Wes Anderson is a wonderful director. Owen Wilson is a fantastic actor. You read that right. Owen Wilson when together with Anderson is a fantastic writer also. Not many people know that. They just know he’s the wonky nosed guy from Wedding Crashers and are done with it. No, there’s more to his bow than the low brow. Everyone’s got to pay the bills, and Owen treads the same boards as the likes of Clooney and Pitt in that respect, one for the studio and then one for himself. And in most cases this invariably ends up with collaboration with Anderson.

Anderson is an impeccable director. His vision is clear and direct. It’s precise and sometimes relentlessly staged. The vision is the key with his directing, freeze the frame at any point and the image presented is beautiful, or challenging, or humorous. He crafts and creates his films makes them live. When the two collaborate it’s many a wonderful thing.

Sigh.

I’m just going to post my favourite piece of dialogue from any film, it’s from the Royal Tenenbaums. Richie is in love with his adopted sister, Margot, and always has been. He knew that it could never be, but still when she eventually got married he had a mental breakdown and left home only to return many years later, along with the rest of his family under the false pretence that their father is dying. In the wake of their discovery of Margot’s infidelities, Richie shuts the bathroom door and stares deeply at his own image and takes off his headband. Slowly, you hear the delicate strum of Elliot Smith’s “Needle in the Hay,” a song of such desolate beauty that you know Richie’s intent before he takes out the razor. Instantly, the scene takes on the presaged dimness of a morphine-dream. As the blood courses down his arms and he tries to sit, the song stops abruptly before starting up again as he’s rushed to the hospital. When he’s released from hospital, he goes back to his old room in the family home, and sleeps in the tent that he and Margot used to use to escape into when they were children. Margot finds him and asks him why he did what he did. They embrace and Margot remains in his arms, only for them to slowly realise that they share a love that can never be, she backs out of the tent to the refrain of “Ruby Tuesday” by the Stones. It gets me every time. It’s a beautiful scene, it’s superb. Oh here’s that piece of script I was promising.

“I have to tell you something...

What is it?

I love you.

I love you, too.”

It’s simple. But it’s beautiful. It’s a microcosm of the Anderson/Wilson film making aesthetic

I wish to see 'The Darjeeling Limited'.

2007-11-22T16:46:00.000Z

I've not seen a Wes Anderson in a cinema yet and it looks super amazing high five cool.

England have broken my heart.

2007-11-22T11:03:00.000Z

Yet again.

I mean we usually get to the knock out stages before my summer's ruined?

But England have gone one better and fucked up my June in November?

Tards.

Non Serviam

2007-11-21T12:37:00.000Z

Non serviam, is a Latin phrase, spoken to God by the Devil whilst he was still an angel. It translates to “I will not serve” and displays the largest two fingered salute in the history of mankind. It’s saying it’s better to reign in Hell than it is to serve in Heaven.

Now. I don’t find it in any way at all to liken my current relationship with my language seminar closet, to that of the Devil and God in any way inappropriate. In fact, it’s entirely appropriate. English literature is a many wonderful thing. It soars and flies high above us, occasionally picking us up above all that are below, letting us live and see and feel things which we’d never thought possible before. However the study of language would declare this to be merely a consequence of convention and syntax. It angers me. It deeply offends me. I find the notion disguising. To pass of the fragility of Joyce or ferocity of Greene as merely being circumstance of a pre set out word set makes me want to rant endlessly at this closed minded little man.

Language seemingly accepts no answer but its own; that its idea is the only conceivable true path. I chose to stick to my books, hold my writers closely. I shan’t analyse them too closely though, they’re like rainbows, you get too close and they disappear and you’ll never see them the same way again.

So to you, Language studies. I say “non serviam.”

Listening to Patrick Watson. It’s like throwing together Jeff Buckley, St Peppers Beatles and the good parts of Rufus Wainwright. Sounds better than that alludes to.

Good day to you.

Me.

Whatever.

You know...

2007-11-20T20:11:00.000Z

I think this blog might be officially dead, it's not had a comment for nearly a month.

Which means essentially I'm talking to myself.

Which is worrying because I'm still doing it.

Jibber jabber wokky wooky.

It's Christmas in my room!

2007-11-19T18:33:00.000Z

O M G

2007-11-18T21:35:00.000Z

IT'S SNOWING AND IT'S STICKING

Hugsum Daginn Minn, Í Dag Og Í Gær

2007-11-15T11:11:00.000Z

Well then, nice week so far. Super nice week really, it’s been nice. Over the weekend went back home to see Sarah and the guys as she’d come back from London village so I thought it rude not to come back.

Went to go see “30 Days Of Night” a predictable vampire romp. Only this time in the snow and in a town at the top of America where they don’t see the sunlight for 30 days. Sounds really interesting and it really could have been if they’d have worked on it a bit. However the vampires they chose really did look the gayest vampires in the world, it sounds cliché but the one did look like the singer from the Pet Shop Boys (I’ll try to prove this with a picture). Whilst the others looked like the pink end of the world strongest man tournament. With two...maybe three lady vampires between the lot of them. So this band of camp vampires arrive by massive oil tanker and decide to tick all the horror boxes as they go along.

1) - They kill the protagonist’s close relative

2) - The protagonist’s friend becomes “one of them”

3) - They have the whole “he’s going to change...we’ve got to kill him” thing.

4) - They all go a bit mental and one person decides that “he aint staying here for
them to come and kill me” so he swiftly goes outside for them to kill him to bits.

5) - And a loosely pinned on romance story, which results in death. Obviously.

Some great lines too, a prisoner, half naked and panting asking Josh Hartnett “finish me off” raised more than a titter, as did “I saw what you did back there with your axe, think you can do that 3 or 4 more times?” Strewth Josh, I dunno, give me a break in between and I’ll give it my best shot?

Then onto the most homoerotic film I’ve seen in a while in “A Nightmare On Elm Street 2”. Basic premise being that Freddy’s spirit has lived on and inhabits the house which these unsuspecting Americanas move into. The kids a bit weird and has dreams where Freddy tries to possess him. Least that’s what I hope he was trying to do, because he walked around his dreams pretty much naked for a leering Freddy to tell him every now and again that he had the body he’d been looking for and that he wanted to be inside of him. Hm. The argument for the slightly mincing theme continues with the fact that as soon as Freddy has control of this body he takes it to an underground gay club, takes home the gym instructor and whips him (naked) to death. Quite. I’m excited for number three! (Freddy takes the form of a Golden Retriever!).

I ended up drinking vodka straight out the bottle, as there were no mixers. It made me very happy, zero hang-over, good times. Wolverhampton town was again slightly stunted. Yet again the Civic was closed and only the wulfren was being used to squeeze all of Wolverhampton’s wonderful people under one roof. And the Pigeon Detectives were on the decks, spinning tunes likable to that of “100.7 HEART FM INDIE HOUR! LET’S ROOOOOOCCCCCCKKKKK”. A bit gay, but the lead singer soon got tired, presumably out of stress of keeping that gigantic nose of his upright and went off for a sleep. Or to have sex with a collection of ugly femmes all waiting down my the barrier staring upwards at their greasy pale skin the epitomisation of raw sex.

But twas a very good night enjoyed by all, more so by Mike who was so drunk he thought I’d taken an entire taxi ride with him to Codsall, when in fact I’d gone to Tettenhall. And taken a completely different taxi in the first place. Going in opposite directions. Bless him.

But yes, from then another Sunday spent at home, every day is like Sunday there. Nothing really happens, it’s nice sometimes. Other times it drags a bit. It’s better when people are around too really. Means it’s not just me, mum, dad and my cat. Alarmingly LuLu gets included in more and more conversations.

“What are you looking at LuLu?” - they’ll say

“LuLu, for the last time David Cameron’s ‘yo blair’ antics don’t constitute a leader, it’s new labour in disguise lulu! Why can’t you see the situation for what it is? GOD!” - Who knows....maybe one day?

And then of course Biff on monday, you already know my feelings towards that, super awesome-o.

So I arrive back to university. This house is a tip, my room is tidy and lovely because I’m like that, I like to have somewhere where there isn’t complete chaos, I like a bit of lived in mess but I can’t seem to get a happy middle ground, cause this place is so small it gets un tidy so quickly. I cleaned my windows this morning, inside and out. Go me eh? My room to explain is roughly three feet by 4, with a sink attached to one of the walls next to a wardrobe. I have a desk with my computer and tv on, with shelves above. In the corner I get a wire mesh which I’ve had comfirmed by carbon dating to be an early Roman equivalent of a torture rack COUGH I mean bed. And I have two chairs, but there’s only one of me. So the other chair lives at the end of my bed, quite often with my jeans on. Fascinating. I have a lot of posters, since this picture, there are more.

One positive of university and living away from home I guess is the fact that I’ve lost some weight. Well so far two stone since September 19^th. So that’s a stone a month I guess? That’s pretty good, 3 stone by Christmas hopefully? Then I can put it all back on again in two weeks. Hurrah. Another good thing would be the independence, the new people, the course itself is super and will only get better I think. Those are the plusses. Oh and the internet connection, that’s bossing. Hellooooo streamed media. But still it’s not all perfect.

I miss people dreadfully. I try to stay here as much as possible but I’m always finding myself coming back for the smallest of reasons. I miss Nathalie dreadfully. In a way I wish I had been clever enough to go to Manchester, but on the same hand I wouldn’t want to corner her. It’s just nice when I get to see her more, it’s why I’m looking forward to Christmas so much I think. It’s really bad sometimes. Certain songs get to me more than they should, certain lines from fims or books. Currently it’s Starálfur by Sigur Rós. Which if the internet is to be believed is about elfs in the wood. Hm, but I think it’s just lovely, all pianos. I find pianos so provocative, it’s because I don’t understand them. I don’t know if I’d want to, because I wouldn’t be able to play what’s in my head, that’s the most frustrating thing about any instrument, when you’ve got something in your head that you can’t put down or make the thing in your hand do. And then inevitably you forget what it was you were trying to do, so I usually look for bands to write the music that I’m thinking of. And in many way that’s what Starálfur is, I mean it’s in Icelandic I don’t know what he’s saying but I know what I’d be saying. It’s hard to describe. But it’s beautiful, it peaks and picks you up and you almost float on top of it. It’s delightful, I’ll try and find a link to it for you.

I miss my friends too, being away from my comrades sucks. I feel like I’m constantly catching up. It’s sad.

Watched - ‘The Royal Tenenbaums” recently. Made me realise I still want to write more than anything in the world.

Read – ‘Brighton Rock’ by Graham Greene. Excellent morality and spiritual book caught me completely off guard. And ‘The Remains Of The Day’ by Kazuo Ishiguro, real slow burner frustrating but deeply sad novel.

That’s all for now.

Love you and miss you.

Sigur Rós. Hope you love it too.

Just got woken up.

2007-11-15T02:39:00.000Z

Flat mates shall die.

I don't like,

2007-11-15T01:16:00.000Z

The way uni gets in the way of things.

I live for the weekend but sometimes there isn't even anything to look forward to even then.

I'm tired and over sad.

Fucking unfair.

BIFFY!

2007-11-13T18:30:00.000Z

Well fun, well fun.

If you’d seen half the things in my mind, you'd have the chance to float away.

2007-11-09T09:29:00.000Z

Soulwax - New Album

2007-11-06T16:56:00.000Z

The title in full -

"most of the remixes weve made over the years except for the one for einsturzende neubauten because we lost it and a few we didnt think sounded good enough or just didnt fit in length-wise. but including some that are hard to find because either people forgot about them or just simply because they havent been released yet. a few we really love. one we think is just ok. some we did for free. some we did for money. some just for ourselves without permission and some for friends as swaps but never on time and always at our studio in ghent."

It's a bit bass heavy, but all in all preeeeetty nice. Although, cause they've taken their sweet time, half the songs they remix aren't particularly relevant anymore?

Conclusion, don't ask me to describe music.

There goes my hero.

2007-11-05T23:10:00.000Z

James Stewart.

Watch this and go aw with me, his voice is all you need.

It's bonfire night!

2007-11-05T19:11:00.001Z

But I am seeing no fireworks or bonfires.

It is a sad bonfire night.

Anthony isn't dead.

2007-11-04T19:01:00.000Z

He's done a lovely cover of Knockin' On Heaven's Door

I am a link, click me to here what I'm talking about.

OH DEAR GOD NO!

2007-11-03T17:20:00.000Z

Harold is leaving Neighbours

Say it aint so Hazza? Say it aint SO!

Ones to watch #3

2007-11-03T14:48:00.000Z

South Park

Now then now then, this has been quite a turn around for me personally. I can remember watching South Park with my best mate in year five laughing because the characters said 'Fuck' and 'bastard' a lot. I even did my talk on South Park in year 7, I loved that friggin show. But then I fell out of love with it. Why? Well it got a bit rubbish, and it got put on at around half midnight on a thursday and I really couldn't be bothered to continue to care about it.

However, the greatness of being a lazy student I looked upon the new series of South Park (now into it's eleventh for crimenys sake!) and found myself laughing. Lots. I looked back on older episodes and found that yes, while there's swearing and crude jokes there's also a hell of a lot of intellegant script writing, in their own way South Park creaters Matt and Trey have covered climate change numerous times...without ever having to reference it directly. They're very smart, and more importantly inventive and funny. Satire is a hell of a tool and in the current infrastructure of American media it's one of the only tools left with which to sneak agendas in under the radar, and they do it superbly.

See as many episodes as takes your fancy here

And on a side note, apparently this is what I'd look like if I were from South Park

Tattie bye!

Underneath the covers.

2007-11-03T10:46:00.000Z

I'd rather be in bed.

But I have work to do, but before I do I'll get my internetting out of the way...I mean you have to don't you? You do your internet rounds to make sure that no one desperatly wants to talk to you before you plow in and cut yourself off from the world? Right? It's not just me?

I think it probably isn't just me, but more than likely it's me and a very low percentage of people.

Well today I shall be listening to Anthony and the Johnsons whilst working, as someone just bad mouthed 'them' as being a 'bit of a fad'. Firstly it's a him and hired chello, violin, brass and drum monkeys and secondly he's lovely.

Fistful of love shall have some part to play at my wedding, even if I have to sing it in my head. My head is a very effective Mp3 player, I've got at least 50gb up there.

Love and misses.

x

Worrying

2007-11-02T11:35:00.000Z

Mind blanks and total loss of logic and reason. Anxiety and over emotion when confronted by situations involving information and writing.

I worry.

Christmas time in London, it took a while.

Oh and in breaking spoiler news....

2007-11-02T10:37:00.000Z

Kyle did suck Cartman's balls.

It's possibly the best cartoon on the box right now.

By box I mean the internet.

Ones to watch #2

2007-11-02T10:28:00.000Z

Arrested Development

Quite honestly the funniest American Tv show in the last 10 years? Or Ever?

The acto who played Job was reccently in Blades of Glory, whilst the actor who played George Michael was in the awsomely funny SuperBad over the summer, and also stars the fantastic stand up David Cross.

Watch here

I AM A LINK

Oh as for Soulwax

2007-11-02T10:21:00.000Z

I don't think I was drunk enough, or on E.

I think that marred my evening, that and I went and did my knee in again, which killed, someone trod on my foot and another person barged me right on the knee joint, queue a "click clonk" noise from my knee joint and shooting pains going to my calf and thigh. Weak.

If it weren't for the fact that Soulwax themselves were....dull, and didn't even play E-talking...sigh and then 2 many Djs didn't come on till half 3 in the morning by which time I was crippled, skint (3.80 for aq Bud, the wateryist of all watery american beer) and just plain tired. Plus people kept on smoking into my face.

In better news it's only a week and a few days till Biffy, and I'm currently on a wave of loving them so that gig will be filled with much joy.

Time Traveller's Wife

2007-11-02T10:13:00.000Z

I am reading this again, because I started thinking about it. It's a beautiful if rather girly read. All about love and being away from the person you want to be with and doing everything possible to stay in the here and now. It makes me sad and happy in equal measure.

"Clare, I want to tell you, again, I love you. Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that I could ever trust. Tonight I feel that my love for you has more density in this world than I do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you."

Buy it, I promise you'll love it.

Soulwax & 2 Many DJs

2007-10-26T09:45:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow. 9 till 6. Should be E-pic.

Ones to watch - #1

2007-10-25T14:05:00.000+01:00

Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe

BBC4 Tuesdays 10pm

Watch a few (all) episodes here.

Past brilliance -

Biggest Cocks In Advertising

Imaginationland

2007-10-25T11:15:00.000+01:00

Genius South Park action is having a THREE part finale?!!!11

It's better than Lost/24/Prison Break.

Will Kyle suck Cartman's balls?

It's a cliffhanger all right.

Good news everybody!

2007-10-23T15:19:00.000+01:00

The surgeons are going to cut me to bits very soon!

For those not in the know a normal human knee looks like this (below) you can see the Patella or knee cap to those without medical degrees firmly placed in the centre of the knee, mine however is somewhere near Mexico. In the NHS's rapid haste, with 3 years of umming and arring over if they could possibly do me on the cheap, involving loo roll and sticky back plastic with an ounce of good will have finally told me what I've been telling them since I was 16, it's buggered. So come January sometime they shall cut me open, and rebuild my interior cruciate ligament (also below) out of some ligament left over from behind my kneecap. They'll also be trimming off my cartlilage because that's ruptured too. I assure you this is indeed a great thing, and should have me in crutches for one week maybe two, and back to full fitness within 5 months or so, by full fitness I mean playing sport well. I'll be basically fine in about 2 weeks. Enjoy the HUGE picture! (which you might have to click on for it to work proper)

However

2007-10-21T22:48:00.000+01:00

Things stopping me from throwing myself to the mercy of rabid dogs...

Tickets to Hamlet this August bank holiday.
David Tennant as Hamlet.
Very near mine and Nathalie's two years.
Should be sublime, lovely seats, corker.

And, Patrick Wolf - Finalé show, Sheperd's Bush Empire 20th December.
Night in London, nearly Christmas.
Awesome.

See what I meant about oppertune moments?

N'night, tired head.

Oh and finally...(extra)

2007-10-21T22:45:00.000+01:00

Oh ffs...

Ronnie O'Sullivan (Eng) 6-8 Marco Fu (HK)

Oh and finally...

2007-10-21T21:33:00.000+01:00

England 1 - 2 Russia

England 6 - 15 South Africa

Second Placed - Lewis Hamilton GB 109 Points

I mean come on really, all that in one week?

Watching stars without you, my soul cried.

2007-10-21T20:04:00.000+01:00

Put from your mind all thoughts of reason sensible thinking and reasons against for five minutes say.

Ok, you feeling free and lucid and maybe a bit sixties flower power?

Awesome, indulge me.

See over the last few months my hearts been telling me something that my brain can’t really correlate, more over something it can’t really control or really rationalise as much as my thought police mind wants to. I’m emphatically in love, truly. People band about love, I used to do it, I was part of the problem contributing to love becoming something no more than an adjective to which you’d use to describe your liking of cheese or shoes. However my heart tells me something different. It pulls at me when I’m apart from her, flushes rational thought away from me when I need to be with her, dopes me with serotonin when I’m lying on the couch with her, feeling how smooth her hand are, how small they feel in my hands.

I want to propose.

There we go, that’s the crux of the thought bi-pass between heart and head. Heart says blow it all and do it, head lines up the problems. Mainly that I worry that I don’t want to keep her engaged for the next three years. Heart says that’s how it used to be in olden days. Via that I mean the fifties. Head says if I had a fiancé I’d like to be nearer to her than I currently am. Heart says distance has proven no object as of yet. Head says I don’t want to send her off and distract her in her last year of university with the calamities of sensible living and almost too grown up ideas. Heart says we could cope. Head says I couldn’t afford the wedding she deserves. Heart says I couldn’t give her the wedding she deserves.

My heart and head are fighting with alarming frequency. Most of all I’m worried she’d say no (rightfully, we’re young) and me getting upset and spoiling things. Every part of me wishes to ask her, and opportunities are presenting themselves in the near future. I need a divine sign, or a less divine sign. A sign.

I am forever the fool and will be lead by feelings and emotions, and to some extent I trust them. Maybe heart will win over head in the end.

Please stop reading.

2007-10-18T19:00:00.000+01:00

There will be no miricles here.

People try and hide the light underneath the covers.

2007-10-18T17:45:00.000+01:00

Every now and again I’ll listen to Arcade Fire –Funeral. As an album it’s a stunning piece of work, but partly the reason which I love it so much is because it’s just packed with happy feelings. I got the album roughly just as spring was starting to be punctuated by summer. I’d broken up messily with Jennifer and I pretty much moped and twitted around aimlessly for months as is my way, I think I thought that I was being cool by wandering listlessly around doing nothing in particular.

The nothing in particular meant staying in a lot on weekends. I was 17, probably could have gotten into clubs but couldn’t afford it even if I’d got past the door. I really was skint, very very. It seems strange looking back on that now because somehow back then I could make ten pounds work for me so well, yet now I spend that on a hat. Regardless, I was super skint, super boring and pretty much super depressed.

Whilst watching Jools Holland, I happened upon a band, there were loads of them, they were dressed up smartly, spoke politely and played their first song, Power Out with passion and gusto, “more from them later” kept me from going to bed and kept my attention fixed upon my televisual box. As shallowly did the pretty blonde violinist. Regardless, for their finale they played Rebellion (Lies). I think it took 5 seconds for me to decide that this would be my favourite song in a long time, I hit record. I went on to watch that video numerous times, I knew what must be done.

I spent £12 pounds on a little paper card covered album, with gold embossed. It felt like a golden ticket, I pondered it on the bus back, what would it sound like? Would the other songs be as good? I noted that Rebellion (Lies) was to be the second to last track.

I scuttled up to my attic, hot and bright but the only place I could play music loudly uninterrupted, and I needed no diversion, this album I had decided must be heard from start to finish.

I’m no good at describing music, but it’s sumptuous. And it evokes new emotions from me every time I listen to it, currently, writing this Crown of Love has new resonance. (But I’ll square with you; I’m still waiting for Rebellion Lies). Nothing much changes. That’s not even slightly true, everything’s changed for me since I first heard this album and fleeting happiness has been exchanged for lasting smiles, my heart is open and my head is held high.

Beneath the stars came falling on our heads,

2007-10-18T12:20:00.000+01:00

But they're just old light.

Lovely.

We Fail.

2007-10-17T19:04:00.000+01:00

For.Fucks.Sakes.

Russia 2 - 1 England

Why did we bother with the cold war if we were going to bend over like that?

Last night...

2007-10-17T08:43:00.000+01:00

I somehow booked afternoon tea for two at the Ritz.

I'll be calling later to cancel that then...I was just trying to see how much it was going to cost...

No joke.

"Thank you, your booking in the name of Mr T D Marshall at The Ritz London has been confirmed.
Please make a note of your booking reference number which is detailed below:

Booked via website: The Ritz London
Date: Thu 20-December-2007
Time: 11:30
Persons: 2
Seating Area: The Palm Court
Address: 150 Piccadilly London W1J 9BR"

lame.

Suppose I kept on singing love songs.

2007-10-15T20:42:00.000+01:00

I think this is really quite beautiful.

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart

Suppose I never, ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never, ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never, ever saw you
Suppose you never, ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better better better better

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
and It Breaks my Heart
when it Breaks my heart
but it breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart
breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart

Maaaaaaan

2007-10-11T11:27:00.000+01:00

Party got out of hand fast.