There's a black crow sitting across from me.

I wish I could sleep.

And I told you to be pacient and I told you to be fine.

I'm down and out in Paris and London, only I'm in neither London nor Paris, but none the less I'm very nearly down and out.

My main problem seems to be my total lack of being able to gain employment, since may I have roughly, without exageration I'd estimate applied for around thirty jobs, and about ten in the last two weeks, these have resulted in four interviews, one of which has been successful. This was for work which lasted 4 days, and paid 4.80 an hour and resulted in me working around 50 hours for enough money to pay one months rent. Then there was the job where I got told that I was going to be too qulified for the position for answering phones, I assured them I wasn't. They said they'd ring back the next day, they did not. Then there was Ted Baker, an hour of being HINRG and buzzing and cool, trying to out posture the next in line resulted in a call back the next day, saying I wasn't what they were looking for, the girl was laughing, she was enjoying a joke that I wasn't exactly part of at the time. In the middle of this summer I ran so low on money I had to accept 100 pounds off my land lord for two weeks of work painting and grouting till I literally bled, and cried my way through cleaning up my rented home. I was bailed out by my parents to the tune of one thousand pounds which I desperately want to pay back, but have no means to. Lately this week I went to an interview which lasted all of thirty seconds, at home, deflated I was locked out of my room really all I wanted to do was play some music loudly, but couldn't so by the time Em came home and opened the door I burst into tears at her. I've also had a very bad cold for the last two weeks. Today I got my loan through till january.

I have £1,140
My rent £780
Travel £99
Phone £45
House Bills £40

Equals £176

The term is 11 weeks leaving me with 16 pounds a week to have food, and general up keep of my soul. Oh and I've got a cat now.

I'm not quite pawning my clothes yet, but yeah, I just needed it down in writing so I could see how little I had, so make myself behave.

I'm trying to get a grant and some money hand outs from my uni.

I'll keep you updated

Love as always

Down and out.

There's money lenders inside the temple

That circus tiger's gonna break your heart.

Listen

(I.e click that shit)

I'm happy it's the start of holiday season and I'm all bubbly inside. Got a second hand ben sherman shirt, I am England.

Hello

I feel very bad about myself sometimes. In the same way I really like myself sometimes. I think it’s because I get so hung up on the way people are around me, I seem to become almost intravenously attached to emotion.

I’ve come out of a relationship which for me had become abusive, for both of us I think. I’d lost count the amounts of times I’d cried before sleeping, turning over on my side with the hot eyes and aching under my ribs hoping that a wall covered in photographs of me smiling would somehow make everything go back to normal by the time I woke up in the morning, only to find that it didn’t.

I had truly some of the greatest times with Nathalie, it’s taken this long for stings to fade but I did. But at the same time you can’t be happy with someone that can hurt you that much. She did hurt me, regularly which left me feeling utterly lost and confused, knowing that my heart said yes, but also knowing that it shouldn’t be this painful.

It sounds cliché to say I’m crying while writing this, but it’s the truth. Ludovico Einaudi cuts into me every time. Because I’m a sap. But it’s okay, I’m okay. I’m happy all the time now, there’s a little light inside of me which was almost put out but is being nurtured. It flickers every so often, I guess this is one of those times but that’s coming home I think with everything stirring up.

I’m happy.

I think that's all I need to say.

http://www.myspace.com/ludovicoeinaudi

Listen to the first song or so, he's amazing.

Loves

Looking forward to being re-united with my big speakers...

Just downloaded a morrissey double album of b-sides and raraties and I'm actually having heart palpatations as to how they'd sound on those beasts.

swoooon

I'm a terribly upset person.

I've never quite cried as much as I did last night, it was like I couldn't control it my lungs were just shaking and my jaw was locking. I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm so worried and scared about what she's going to do to herself. And now random play threw this at me and I did it again. I need to get really drunk and really numb.

A time of confession.

Tonight I’m going to tell you about a school girl crush I’ve had for the last two years. I’m not proud of it, and it’s embarrassing. But I realised that I was lying to myself and that the truth would eventually have to come out, so here goes. I’m in love with Brandon Reilly.

"When you look into his eyes, it's like the first time I heard The Beatles." (I am a song, click me)