I feel very bad about myself sometimes. In the same way I really like myself sometimes. I think it’s because I get so hung up on the way people are around me, I seem to become almost intravenously attached to emotion.
I’ve come out of a relationship which for me had become abusive, for both of us I think. I’d lost count the amounts of times I’d cried before sleeping, turning over on my side with the hot eyes and aching under my ribs hoping that a wall covered in photographs of me smiling would somehow make everything go back to normal by the time I woke up in the morning, only to find that it didn’t.
I had truly some of the greatest times with Nathalie, it’s taken this long for stings to fade but I did. But at the same time you can’t be happy with someone that can hurt you that much. She did hurt me, regularly which left me feeling utterly lost and confused, knowing that my heart said yes, but also knowing that it shouldn’t be this painful.
It sounds cliché to say I’m crying while writing this, but it’s the truth. Ludovico Einaudi cuts into me every time. Because I’m a sap. But it’s okay, I’m okay. I’m happy all the time now, there’s a little light inside of me which was almost put out but is being nurtured. It flickers every so often, I guess this is one of those times but that’s coming home I think with everything stirring up.
I’m happy.
I think that's all I need to say.
