There's a black crow sitting across from me.

I wish I could sleep.

And I told you to be pacient and I told you to be fine.

I'm down and out in Paris and London, only I'm in neither London nor Paris, but none the less I'm very nearly down and out.

My main problem seems to be my total lack of being able to gain employment, since may I have roughly, without exageration I'd estimate applied for around thirty jobs, and about ten in the last two weeks, these have resulted in four interviews, one of which has been successful. This was for work which lasted 4 days, and paid 4.80 an hour and resulted in me working around 50 hours for enough money to pay one months rent. Then there was the job where I got told that I was going to be too qulified for the position for answering phones, I assured them I wasn't. They said they'd ring back the next day, they did not. Then there was Ted Baker, an hour of being HINRG and buzzing and cool, trying to out posture the next in line resulted in a call back the next day, saying I wasn't what they were looking for, the girl was laughing, she was enjoying a joke that I wasn't exactly part of at the time. In the middle of this summer I ran so low on money I had to accept 100 pounds off my land lord for two weeks of work painting and grouting till I literally bled, and cried my way through cleaning up my rented home. I was bailed out by my parents to the tune of one thousand pounds which I desperately want to pay back, but have no means to. Lately this week I went to an interview which lasted all of thirty seconds, at home, deflated I was locked out of my room really all I wanted to do was play some music loudly, but couldn't so by the time Em came home and opened the door I burst into tears at her. I've also had a very bad cold for the last two weeks. Today I got my loan through till january.

I have £1,140
My rent £780
Travel £99
Phone £45
House Bills £40

Equals £176

The term is 11 weeks leaving me with 16 pounds a week to have food, and general up keep of my soul. Oh and I've got a cat now.

I'm not quite pawning my clothes yet, but yeah, I just needed it down in writing so I could see how little I had, so make myself behave.

I'm trying to get a grant and some money hand outs from my uni.

I'll keep you updated

Love as always

Down and out.

There's money lenders inside the temple

That circus tiger's gonna break your heart.

Listen

(I.e click that shit)

I'm happy it's the start of holiday season and I'm all bubbly inside. Got a second hand ben sherman shirt, I am England.

Hello

I feel very bad about myself sometimes. In the same way I really like myself sometimes. I think it’s because I get so hung up on the way people are around me, I seem to become almost intravenously attached to emotion.

I’ve come out of a relationship which for me had become abusive, for both of us I think. I’d lost count the amounts of times I’d cried before sleeping, turning over on my side with the hot eyes and aching under my ribs hoping that a wall covered in photographs of me smiling would somehow make everything go back to normal by the time I woke up in the morning, only to find that it didn’t.

I had truly some of the greatest times with Nathalie, it’s taken this long for stings to fade but I did. But at the same time you can’t be happy with someone that can hurt you that much. She did hurt me, regularly which left me feeling utterly lost and confused, knowing that my heart said yes, but also knowing that it shouldn’t be this painful.

It sounds cliché to say I’m crying while writing this, but it’s the truth. Ludovico Einaudi cuts into me every time. Because I’m a sap. But it’s okay, I’m okay. I’m happy all the time now, there’s a little light inside of me which was almost put out but is being nurtured. It flickers every so often, I guess this is one of those times but that’s coming home I think with everything stirring up.

I’m happy.

I think that's all I need to say.

http://www.myspace.com/ludovicoeinaudi

Listen to the first song or so, he's amazing.

Loves

Looking forward to being re-united with my big speakers...

Just downloaded a morrissey double album of b-sides and raraties and I'm actually having heart palpatations as to how they'd sound on those beasts.

swoooon

I'm a terribly upset person.

I've never quite cried as much as I did last night, it was like I couldn't control it my lungs were just shaking and my jaw was locking. I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm so worried and scared about what she's going to do to herself. And now random play threw this at me and I did it again. I need to get really drunk and really numb.

A time of confession.

Tonight I’m going to tell you about a school girl crush I’ve had for the last two years. I’m not proud of it, and it’s embarrassing. But I realised that I was lying to myself and that the truth would eventually have to come out, so here goes. I’m in love with Brandon Reilly.

"When you look into his eyes, it's like the first time I heard The Beatles." (I am a song, click me)

I don't really know what I'm doing.

At a loss as to what to do with my evening, tried the pub but that only lasted 45 minutes. It seems I'm all concentrated out. Watching tennenbaums and eating peanuts and malteasters, they'll be gone by the morning. Possible calory intake for the day 34000. I'm not eating tomorrow. I might just sleep in.

Another bit of Scott Matthews

I don't think he's very cool. He's probably like James Blunt or something, but he's from Wolves, and I think he's pretty sweet.



I'm probably more happy than I should be.

I think I'm famous in Germany.

Fresh from the revelation of meeting another human Toby on friday night, apparently this German girl loves me so much she's written a song.



Amazing.

I'm struggling to find a translation, but I think it's mostly good?

Bubble pop haikus.

"I know I look shiny and bouncey but I'm all empty inside."

The reason why I love Boy Least Likely To. He's talking about a balloon....but he's not really is he? It's so adorable. A haiku.

Boy least likely to.
I love them more than short bread.
I think you should too.

You can pin and mount me like a butterfly.

The rain falls hard on a humdrum Town, this town will drag you down. So yes, here I am I’m unable to communicate did you know? A mess of form and person. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and even if I did I wouldn’t know where I want it to go, which apparently you do. I still feel like a kid sometimes and then sometimes I just wish I could grow up, man up and be old with a house and kids and all that sorted out for me without me having to do all the messy trying parts. I sometimes think that it’s the only way I could head, the family route and the kids with the nice names and the not so nice but it’ll do school. And sometimes I think I’ll get to the point where I’ll lose it all and consider myself a fool.

If only that was in my own control but I doubt it is, this’ll end and I won’t really have a say. I’ll be Mr Rochester, I’ll be the one crying. Hopefully I won’t end up a blind cripple. I wish to change myself externally. However I worry that what I am is now so dependent on how I look whether if I change the way I look I’ll change the way I am, I’ve been like this for so long. I’ve been long haired and owned the same coat since I were 17. I’d like to cut my hair short again. And maybe do away with the lip ring. Or something. And probably be thin and cool. I’d quite like to be Jarvis Cocker. But less living in France, I can’t get my moniker round the lingo.

I’m living within a song, it’s predictably Reel around the Fountain. Look at the lyrics if you can be honest, I sometimes feel like he does although interestingly enough that song at the time got accused as condoning child abuse, when someone read “you took a child and you made him old” very literally. Probably the Daily Mail. I just think it’s one of the wittiest songs ever. “People said you were easily lead and they were half right” it’s just clever, and the piano mid section by Marr on The Smiths – The Smiths version is just beautiful, I wish I could work a piano box, if I ever learnt I’d learn that.

I have so many essays to write, and all of them to do research for, which I’m going to start this weekend. I’m sad because it’s meaning I can’t go anywhere or travel to go to go see Nathalie and try to stop her being sad at me, and by not going it makes her even more sad at me, leaving me with no idea what to do with myself, it’s a wonderful lose/lose. Stay and do work which is so hard it makes me have little strokes, or go see nat and not really work, stop her from working and exacerbate the whole situation further. I don’t know if I’m much fun to be around at the moment.

Here's me looking 16 and youthful, and wellllllll emo by todays' standards, love it.


Seriously, I peeked at 16, how depressing.

I am a balloon.

Download loveliness. Plus sadness. Must dash!

Rah

I heard a cover of The Boy With the Thorn in His Side on t'Hollyoaks last night and had an incling it was Scott Matthews, and it twas. I hate Smiths covers, Ronson's re-imagining of Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard This One Before made me ill.

But this is rather ok.

Plus he's from Wolverhampton which means at some point I've probably stepped on his foot whilst drunk at the civic.

Some sort of scary/hilarious fan video of Jean Paul and Craig....creepy.



And the lengends that be, I was convinced for a good year I was the boy with the thorn in his side, now I kinda think I'm either this charming man, in a less than cocky way or there is a light that never goes out, but realisitcally I'm Reel Around the Fountain, yes, that's probably more accurate, I'm Reel Around The Fountain?

The great uni adventure is back on!

I've passed language! BOO YEAH.

New shoes

They hath made me regress musically, thus

One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit
Into my head I still remember every single word
You said and all the shit that somehow came along with it
Still theres one thing that comforts me since I was
Always caged and now I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghh

X LOUD

I can has new trainers!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

There's an ICHCB for every single moment of your life....

par example

You remind me of the babe

Alright ladies,

Hello and all that, how are you? It’s been a fair long while, though that’s understandable and all. I’ve been undergoing some major work on the old leg. But I’m happy to announce that it’s all fine and dandy and is getting better by the day. Today for instance I walked round uni all day without my helping metal stick. Which is fairly impressive, due to the fact that it’s a 10-9 day. Albeit with a 5 hour gap in the middle. But still quite asking, my knee pulled through, dam right.

Hm, tell you what, I’m well up for getting drunk. Not disorderly. Just drunk. With the dancing and the hands in the air, dancing a bit like a cross between Morrissey and Marr swaying like Robert Smith and smiling like Bowie from Labyrinth. Which for the record is fantastic, download Magic Dance. Strewth, it’s no Starman, but it’s better than that shite he did with Mick Jagger. Worth it alone for seeing his hair in action and for that matter, his groin. It’s got a prominent role.

So yeah, up for snobs, it’s a veritable wonderment of a place, cheap as chips and next door to a chippie. Curry and chips is my tip to head off the hang-over. I’ve never been sick at uni, I was very close after Shaun’s birthday and a bottle of southern comfort and a cigarette of a guy called Dan(?) (You might need to verify that) which to be fair had a burnt electrical wire quality. That evening apparently ended with me Lecturing Emma on the virtues of The Smiths and her nearly losing a finger in a door. Sorriest all round.

You know what, I’m nearly up to being 6 months off the pace of the youth of today, Bloc Party – Flux is well good, I’ve always liked Bloc Party doing either soft gay love songs or balls out rock, but turns out they can display their balls whilst turning out dance music too, I bet the Klaxons are gathering their flouresant clothing vouchers from Topman and convincing each other they “had a good run”. Bloc Party were ace the moment I saw them on the NME tour 2005. World famous that tour, Kaiser Chiefs/Futureheads/Bloc Party/The Killers all for £14. That’s a festival day pass now. That plus the singer bloke said hello to me.

This week I shall be going up to the town of Wolverhampton with hopefully as many friends as I can muster and paint the town a pale red. I might even wear something nice. Off to see Nouvelle Vague who are classy covers, pretty sexy covers. A female vocal based band I like, heaven forefend. And then dancing (most likely with one leg more than the other) with my Nathalie, having our second Valentines together, unfortunately not on the real day but pretty darn close.

So yeah, helloooooooooooo life with a new leg.

Looking on the student accomodation forums,

Searching for people with spare rooms is terrifying. They all sound like they're enticing people in for slaughter.

"Nice house, fellow students, waiting for you to arrive"

I'm sorry that's probably quite innocent, but it fills my mind with them preparing their knives and heating up their ovens.

Perhaps Sweeny Todd has effected me.