You can pin and mount me like a butterfly.

The rain falls hard on a humdrum Town, this town will drag you down. So yes, here I am I’m unable to communicate did you know? A mess of form and person. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and even if I did I wouldn’t know where I want it to go, which apparently you do. I still feel like a kid sometimes and then sometimes I just wish I could grow up, man up and be old with a house and kids and all that sorted out for me without me having to do all the messy trying parts. I sometimes think that it’s the only way I could head, the family route and the kids with the nice names and the not so nice but it’ll do school. And sometimes I think I’ll get to the point where I’ll lose it all and consider myself a fool.

If only that was in my own control but I doubt it is, this’ll end and I won’t really have a say. I’ll be Mr Rochester, I’ll be the one crying. Hopefully I won’t end up a blind cripple. I wish to change myself externally. However I worry that what I am is now so dependent on how I look whether if I change the way I look I’ll change the way I am, I’ve been like this for so long. I’ve been long haired and owned the same coat since I were 17. I’d like to cut my hair short again. And maybe do away with the lip ring. Or something. And probably be thin and cool. I’d quite like to be Jarvis Cocker. But less living in France, I can’t get my moniker round the lingo.

I’m living within a song, it’s predictably Reel around the Fountain. Look at the lyrics if you can be honest, I sometimes feel like he does although interestingly enough that song at the time got accused as condoning child abuse, when someone read “you took a child and you made him old” very literally. Probably the Daily Mail. I just think it’s one of the wittiest songs ever. “People said you were easily lead and they were half right” it’s just clever, and the piano mid section by Marr on The Smiths – The Smiths version is just beautiful, I wish I could work a piano box, if I ever learnt I’d learn that.

I have so many essays to write, and all of them to do research for, which I’m going to start this weekend. I’m sad because it’s meaning I can’t go anywhere or travel to go to go see Nathalie and try to stop her being sad at me, and by not going it makes her even more sad at me, leaving me with no idea what to do with myself, it’s a wonderful lose/lose. Stay and do work which is so hard it makes me have little strokes, or go see nat and not really work, stop her from working and exacerbate the whole situation further. I don’t know if I’m much fun to be around at the moment.

Here's me looking 16 and youthful, and wellllllll emo by todays' standards, love it.


Seriously, I peeked at 16, how depressing.