Dreaming only of spring.

Good morning and evening and night.

I’m feeling very chipper and happy thus completely proving I’m a bi-polar nutcase without all the fun drugs and writing contracts to produce amazing works of fiction, never the less I can create works of fiction. I think I can anyway, that’s a half truth that stands one foot firmly in fact but the other in some amazing world that I create myself. Whenever writing fiction I’ve always had to pull off my own resources to produce it. I need to get worked up into a state to write and sometimes that’s when I produce my most vicious moments. But it’s only ever written down; I’m not a nasty person because I’ve never really transferred any of that emotion I’ve ever felt from the page to the person.

For a time it would be the case for all my emotions. I’d write at great lengths before about love and what it could do to you and how it could “make you feel and pick you up and send you off to another place free of everything shit and dark and just keep you in that place of utter happiness for that one incredible moment” but I’d never actually take a leap and a guess and a shot in the dark and act on any of those big words and romanticised gestures.

Every relationship before Nathalie I’d fallen into. I’d not tried to get into them so they came along and they were there and so was I and all of a sudden I was in a relationship not knowing where I was supposed to be going with it all or what I was supposed to do with either of them. They were fun but they never felt more than a friendship that got a bit passionate at times but nothing really other than physical connections where made, everyone likes to be held and everyone likes to be kissed.

Nathalie was the first girl I’d ever had to chase. I’ve had to seek this relationship out and work so hard on it I almost consider it to be one of the greatest achievements of my life in the last few years, that may read inexplicitly naïve and reek of teenage stupidity but it’s my genuine opinion. The levels of trust I’ve had to gain and keep make me feel better as a person. I don’t feel so loose and unpredictable, I feel more grounded then ever before. I had to be, I had to be the stable one, you can only be fucked around so many times before you give up on things I suppose, and I feel guilty for writing about this so candidly so I’ll leave this one for the time being, I don’t like whispers behind backs but I don’t really think of this as that. For once I don’t just write things down, she knows she’s everything there is to be and I feel lighter for it, you shouldn’t keep things to yourself. Call it my tip of the day, tell someone something you’ve wanted to tell them for a long time, it doesn’t matter if they turn you down or put you off you’ll feel better and to a certain extent that’s really all that matters, you can’t live for other people your entire life, eventually you’ve got to look up and take control of your own matters, selfish is good sometimes.

Ok in fascinating news I’ve ordered a new laptop. I say new, by which I mean my first ever lap top. And it’s a pretty one, it’s a Sony Viao and it’s white and it talks to me in my sleep, I’ve bought it a 500gb external hard drive to be friends with and they’re currently on their way from jersey to come and play round my house. I think we’re going to have the best summer ever. I was looking at the mac notebook for so long, but it was just outside of the budget and if you’ve ever seen the diddy tiny screens you’ll understand why I’ve gone for me (still not massive but better than 12”) 15 and a half” screen. Plus while I really admire the way they work, giving you everything you need to have fun on a computer I just couldn’t help but worry about never having owned one, I wouldn’t know it’s little funny ticks. Much as I do with a PC, what with my mum being a home working accountant so long before her new job, I can remember playing on computers when they were black and green and floppy disks really were floppy (and huge). Ah memories. I was on the internet when I was about 6, I think, looking at the moon landings with my mum on dial up. I’m not quite totally internet generation, but I’m not that far off it? And this is the first computer I’ve ever bought for myself, I’m hoping it’s a good one, from all the reviews I’ve read Sony = quality, and Mike’s had a good few years with his. So woop woop indeed.

Currently listening to Patrick Wolf – Bluebells

For some reason Patrick is giving up live music, I’ll have to make the most of him at Carling, seen him twice before now and he’s genuinely magical.

Anyway, enjoy the song, (hopefully) enjoy the words and goodnight.

x