To understand that it's sometimes hello and sometimes goodbye.

Heylo there, well it’s arrived, by that I mean Nathalie is now a big sister, to a little Girl. It’s weird I’ve of course not been really connected to all of these baby goings on because I’m just her boyfriend person but I’ve been there more often than not over the last month and a half and I’ve felt all their trials personally, I’ve lost sleep so I can only think how happy they are about it all, I wonder if the enormity of it all has sunk in for them yet, most of all Nathalie. If she’s anything like my sister, who was 12 when my mum had me quite late she probably thought she’d never have a brother or sister. My sister hated me when we had to live in the same place, but once she moved out I became less of a burden more of a little brother. I guess people take to it all differently.

I’d be reporting all of this in much greater detail if it weren’t for the fact that with every happy moment there always seems to be a bit of sadness, Nathalie has been away at the funeral of someone she loved very dearly, although the exact relation escapes me at the moment, her mum talked to me about her once, taking Nat when she was very little into the house and coming out both dressed up as a cats to do ballet. Going from that story alone I can see why she’s going to be missed.

It’s made me think about my nana. Which is the only person close to me that I’ve ever known to die, with the age of my parents meaning that all the other grandparents already popping off to the shops she was the only real old representative of the Marshall family a title which now falls on her three children I guess. One who stole off my dad, one who abandoned us and went off to live in Devon and that won’t reply to our letters and my dad, who’s probably just about cantankerous enough to be an elder of our family all said

But having someone crying on you makes me think that I’ve never cried about her ever, not even when I was at the funeral, part of me thinks I was too young, part of me thinks I’m an emotionless freak.

I don’t deal with deal well, I fear I’ll be inconsolable when my dad goes, but he seems not to care, he smokes enough to have been dead ten years ago at least.

I don’t think any of us value what we’ve got as much as we should, go out, make babies, buy carpets, hug naked, drink tea, lie in the grass, feed the ducks, live live and live some more because your life is what you do with it, don’t just sit around and wait for it to end and then complain that you never had the chance.

Lets take the rough with the smooth. This time anyway.